lonliness birds

God please send some motivation. I'm giving my all, trying my absolute hardest. Yet when I come home, I find it still let's them down. The fatal flaws are found by their searching eyes. I don't want the lonliness birds to come lay nest in my heart. God bring joy and hope. I trust you can provide.

fml.

today is overwhelming.
god, be my everything.
please.

i guess its time.

I'm taking a break. From many things. My life (as of late) has been a heap of jumbled aspirations; of hopes, wants, needs. Pressures and obligations have been weighing me down. Today, I made some final changes to my schedule. Hopefully now I can have some more time to just marinate and grow (spiritually/mentally). My life has been overworked and over-planned to the point that I was becoming weary. My soul just needs a little break. I pray that these changes will help, and that Satan will stop randomly beating me down (as always in the areas he knows I struggle most). I thank God for the people that helped me through these challenging last few weeks (I am especially grateful for the placement of a new mentor into my life, and am also so thankful for those special semi-weekly coffee shop chats with my sis). Although its freaking hard sometimes, God provides so much for me; more than I deserve and could ever conceive. God, restore my love, restore my soul.

yet.

If it doesn't break your heart is it love?
No, if it doesn't break your heart it's not enough.
It's when you're breaking down with your insides coming out.
That's when you find out what your heart is made up of.
- Jon Foreman

as the rain stops.

After a long day... I realize that I'm a lot like my goldfish.

He swims around in circles all day. Going about his necessary functions. Breathing. Opening and closing his gills. And sometimes stopping all movement completely. He skims his mouth along the top of the water, making bubbly noises as he tries to take in more air off the surface of the bowl. He tries to swim out of his glass container, but never gets there. Because all he can see is a murky reflection of himself in the way.

And sometimes I try to think that he remembers the day I saved him. That I shed blood for him when I picked him up out of the glass on the ground when his bowl broke. I cried for his life, for his loss- my baby fish, as I struggled to recessitate him. To give him new life.

Yet, even after choosing him, raising him, sustaining his life, grieving for him, saving him, and providing him a fresh bowl in which to live again, he does not show any signs of change. Looking at him, you wouldn't be able to see any signs of me (besides the fact that he is alive because I choose to feed him and care for him). Does he live his life any differently? No, he continues to swim in circles, unable to see past his own reflection.

God, don't let me be like my fish.
I want so much more than this foggy water.
Fill me up so that I'm overflowing with your living water.
So that my soul will not be satisfied with anything less than the air outside of this bowl in which I live.
God, thank you for being the hands to hold me while You breathe into me the breath of life.
And thank you for shedding your blood and flesh to give me a chance to live outside of my own.
I want more of you.
Heal and restore my soul.
Lover, I long for you.

all of his creation.

Every day, I wake up, make some tea, and head out the door. Next comes art class, followed by all those other classes. Mondays at 5:30 is voice lessons. Tuesdays till 2:30 i have VC class and at 6 is drum lessons. Wednesday is youth group. Thursday till 2:30 is VC class again. Friday is youth group. Sunday is church. And all those little spaces of time in between are filled with laundry, ironing, vacuuming, dishes, lunch-making, and homework.

Why do I try to fill in all of my time? I want to slow down. I want to get off and explore God's glorious creation. I want to just drive and see all of those beautiful mountains his hands have formed, all those tiny streams he so delicately shaped with his fingers. I'd love to go on a trip to just be with God and his creation.

I know that (due to school) this won't be happening anytime soon. But I can't help but wonder if I should be looking at each day differently. I should be seeking out his glory in every situation he places in my day. Oh, how i long to be immersed in Him every day! God is good, and thats just putting it lightly. Even though I find myself anxious to figure out what steps I will soon be taking to shape my future (college...), I know I can trust his plan. Thank God for that.

Love Break Me

I've been listening to this song all week. (Love Break Me- Starfield)

Mark me with Your grace
Shape me in Your wisdom
Place in me a heart
Of mercy
Open up my eyes
Let me see Your glory
Lead me to the place
You want me

Love, break me now
Strip me down
May Your beauty
Deep inside of me resound
Through me be found
Come break me now

Guide me in Your truth
Mold me in Your nature
Birth in me a hope
To hold on
Show me how to wait
Teach me how to listen
Be in me the strength
To let go

Break me now...

Love, hear my plea
Rescue me, bring Your peace
I have come to You on bended knee
I'm desperate for Your breath in me
Your ears to hear, Your eyes to see
Set me free, come set me free

Like rain flowing over me...