lonliness birds

God please send some motivation. I'm giving my all, trying my absolute hardest. Yet when I come home, I find it still let's them down. The fatal flaws are found by their searching eyes. I don't want the lonliness birds to come lay nest in my heart. God bring joy and hope. I trust you can provide.

fml.

today is overwhelming.
god, be my everything.
please.

i guess its time.

I'm taking a break. From many things. My life (as of late) has been a heap of jumbled aspirations; of hopes, wants, needs. Pressures and obligations have been weighing me down. Today, I made some final changes to my schedule. Hopefully now I can have some more time to just marinate and grow (spiritually/mentally). My life has been overworked and over-planned to the point that I was becoming weary. My soul just needs a little break. I pray that these changes will help, and that Satan will stop randomly beating me down (as always in the areas he knows I struggle most). I thank God for the people that helped me through these challenging last few weeks (I am especially grateful for the placement of a new mentor into my life, and am also so thankful for those special semi-weekly coffee shop chats with my sis). Although its freaking hard sometimes, God provides so much for me; more than I deserve and could ever conceive. God, restore my love, restore my soul.

yet.

If it doesn't break your heart is it love?
No, if it doesn't break your heart it's not enough.
It's when you're breaking down with your insides coming out.
That's when you find out what your heart is made up of.
- Jon Foreman

as the rain stops.

After a long day... I realize that I'm a lot like my goldfish.

He swims around in circles all day. Going about his necessary functions. Breathing. Opening and closing his gills. And sometimes stopping all movement completely. He skims his mouth along the top of the water, making bubbly noises as he tries to take in more air off the surface of the bowl. He tries to swim out of his glass container, but never gets there. Because all he can see is a murky reflection of himself in the way.

And sometimes I try to think that he remembers the day I saved him. That I shed blood for him when I picked him up out of the glass on the ground when his bowl broke. I cried for his life, for his loss- my baby fish, as I struggled to recessitate him. To give him new life.

Yet, even after choosing him, raising him, sustaining his life, grieving for him, saving him, and providing him a fresh bowl in which to live again, he does not show any signs of change. Looking at him, you wouldn't be able to see any signs of me (besides the fact that he is alive because I choose to feed him and care for him). Does he live his life any differently? No, he continues to swim in circles, unable to see past his own reflection.

God, don't let me be like my fish.
I want so much more than this foggy water.
Fill me up so that I'm overflowing with your living water.
So that my soul will not be satisfied with anything less than the air outside of this bowl in which I live.
God, thank you for being the hands to hold me while You breathe into me the breath of life.
And thank you for shedding your blood and flesh to give me a chance to live outside of my own.
I want more of you.
Heal and restore my soul.
Lover, I long for you.

all of his creation.

Every day, I wake up, make some tea, and head out the door. Next comes art class, followed by all those other classes. Mondays at 5:30 is voice lessons. Tuesdays till 2:30 i have VC class and at 6 is drum lessons. Wednesday is youth group. Thursday till 2:30 is VC class again. Friday is youth group. Sunday is church. And all those little spaces of time in between are filled with laundry, ironing, vacuuming, dishes, lunch-making, and homework.

Why do I try to fill in all of my time? I want to slow down. I want to get off and explore God's glorious creation. I want to just drive and see all of those beautiful mountains his hands have formed, all those tiny streams he so delicately shaped with his fingers. I'd love to go on a trip to just be with God and his creation.

I know that (due to school) this won't be happening anytime soon. But I can't help but wonder if I should be looking at each day differently. I should be seeking out his glory in every situation he places in my day. Oh, how i long to be immersed in Him every day! God is good, and thats just putting it lightly. Even though I find myself anxious to figure out what steps I will soon be taking to shape my future (college...), I know I can trust his plan. Thank God for that.

Love Break Me

I've been listening to this song all week. (Love Break Me- Starfield)

Mark me with Your grace
Shape me in Your wisdom
Place in me a heart
Of mercy
Open up my eyes
Let me see Your glory
Lead me to the place
You want me

Love, break me now
Strip me down
May Your beauty
Deep inside of me resound
Through me be found
Come break me now

Guide me in Your truth
Mold me in Your nature
Birth in me a hope
To hold on
Show me how to wait
Teach me how to listen
Be in me the strength
To let go

Break me now...

Love, hear my plea
Rescue me, bring Your peace
I have come to You on bended knee
I'm desperate for Your breath in me
Your ears to hear, Your eyes to see
Set me free, come set me free

Like rain flowing over me...

TWLOHA

Well, I am now part of the To Write Love On Her Arms street team! I am so excited to finally be able to support their cause in a new and fun way! Here is a little bio about them, and if you would like to order any of their clothes or products please contact me so i can hook you up with what you want!

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. We live in a difficult world, a broken world. You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters. You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.

crazy planning.

I've been spending a ton of time every day making calls and planning out what I will be doing for my Hero Project at FTHS this year. I am so excited that progress is being made! So far this is what I have planned...

I would like to put together a Benefit Concert where the proceeds would go towards Invisible Children, a non-profit organization that helps to rescue northern Uganda’s night commuters and child soldiers.

About Invisible Children:

Here is a short description from the Invisible Children website of what Invisible Children works towards:

· “Invisible Children hopes to educate and inspire individuals in the Western world to use their unique voice for change. Through education and innovative economic opportunities, we partner with affected communities and strive to improve the quality of life for individuals living in conflict and post-conflict regions…All of our programming is a partnership between those of us at Invisible Children and those in the Ugandan community. We focus on long-term goals that enable children to take responsibility for their future and the future of their country. Our programs are carefully researched and developed initiatives that address the need for quality education, mentorships, the redevelopment of schools, resettlement from the camps, and financial stability.”

Hopes for My Project:

· Date of show: a Friday or Saturday night in February 2010 [Hopefully Friday, February 19, 2010]

· Venue: The Lodge (Zoey’s Café) located in Ventura, CA

· Bands: Thrice, Timmy Curran, Jon Foreman, Lee Koch, Aushua, (and maybe I Saw Black You Saw Stars and/or Rey Fresco)

Other Objectives for the Project:

I would love for other charity organizations to be involved in this benefit concert:

· Invisible Children (of course)

· I am a big fan of TOMS shoes and their cause, so I am working on getting some TOMS representatives down to Ventura to man a TOMS booth at the show where they can sell TOMS shoes to raise money.

· I also recently heard of an organization called Falling Whistles (they raise money to help save children in the Congo who are struggling to escape the war-region or who are forced to the frontlines of war armed with only a whistle. For every whistle purchased, 100% of the proceeds are used to restore the lives of war-affected kids through rehabilitation programs and stateside advocacy.

Progress So Far:

· I have contacted Invisible Children, and talked with Talitha Baker, a woman in charge of the Invisible Children representatives who are sent out at different times of the year to volunteer on street teams at different events.

· She loved my idea of hosting a benefit concert, and she said she would contact me before anyone else once she started creating the schedule for the Invisible Children spring street teams.

· I told her what bands I would like to be involved in the concert. She responded by saying that Invisible Children has worked a benefit concert with Thrice before, and that it could definitely be a possibility for the future.

· With regards to the date of the show, she said that, realistically, the first team that would be able to attend the event would be available around the third or fourth weekend in February (either the 19^th, 20^th, 26^th, 27^th). I am hoping to shoot for Friday the 19^th of February.

· I have contacted TOMS shoes to try to plan things with their cause, but they have yet to return my emails.

· I have also contacted Zoey’s Café and am awaiting a reply.

Many people have also volunteered to donate their time and efforts into making this vision a reality, and I hope that you have been encouraged to join in as well! Any help is appreciated!

More Info on non-profit organizations mentioned:

· Invisible Children: www.invisiblechildren.com

· Falling Whistles: www.fallingwhistles.com

· TOMS Shoes: www.tomsshoes.com

you and i are just pilgrims on our way home

Well, the last week has been one of the most challenging I've faced yet, but I've learned so much. God is so good. He brings beauty out of pain, and binds up the brokenhearted. I know the decisions were tough, but they were right. I don't expect everyone to understand, but I am so thankful that he has provided me assurance through so many verses, signs, and lessons. My close friends have provided me with such godly words and wisdom. Family has been here for me. The trip to San Diego provided some much needed careless fun. And God is filling the holes in my life that I've struggled to fill on my own. I'm learning to let go of everything, and surrender to the one who set the world into motion; and let him guide my motions.

Psalm 142: 3

"When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who watch over my way."

Psalm 143:8, 10

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life...Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground."

Psalm 147:3-4

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name."

I have been listening to this song so much lately, I think I have to include it.

"Everything"

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my wathcing
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

You are everything
Jesus, Everything

facing it.

How does God know so well what i need to be hearing..

"Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while— yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter. So even though I wrote to you, it was not on account of the one who did the wrong or of the injured party, but rather that before God you could see for yourselves how devoted to us you are. By all this we are encouraged."

[2 Cor 7:8-13]

"I am greatly encouraged, in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds"

[2 Cor 7:4]

"Troubled"- Timmy Curran

Wake me when these hard times and troubles
have found their own bitter end, and give me something else than what you're givin'. 'Cause all I have to show is who I am.

Well I'll make it on the inside. When I try to hide, all I ever do is separate myself from you.
Yes I do.
Yes I do.

And shake me from these weeds of no good reason. For they have tied me up in my mind. And let me know that this is just a season, so I can leave my worries all behind. And show me something more than what you're showin'. 'Cause I will take all of you tonight.

Well I'll make it on the inside. When I try to hide, all I ever do is separate myself from you.
Yes I do.
Yes I do.

Wake me when these hard times and troubles have found their own bitter end, and give me something else than what you're givin'. 'Cause all I have to show is who I am

coming and going.

It's amazing how god can turn a day around. Today I went down to Aliso Viejo with Max, Dennis, Matt Mansi, Chav, and Vicki and Jim Johnson to celebrate Aaron's birthday. Aaron introduced us to some of his work friends, Brittany and Kate, and almost instantly these girls stole my heart. Their passion for youth ministry was such an inspiration. To see God's joy abounding in their lives, and seeing how they are letting him shape the goals for their future really excited me. We had so many things in common and they gave me such sincere advice and ideas. I'm so thankful that God allowed us to form such a good connection! I will definitely be staying in touch with and visiting these girls.

I've been presented many new options for life after college. Internships at a couple different churches, Biola, and Joshua have been on my heart a lot lately, and it's becoming easy to let myself get caught up in what I would like to do. I need to keep reminding myself to not let these thoughts control my decisions. I need to focus on seeking out God's desires for my life, and figure out how I can serve him best. If you could pray for this specifically, it would be great.

It's a comfort to see his presence and how he has been providing not only physically, but for my emotional needs as well. The last couple days have been pretty rough along the edges, but I'm so thankful that God's provided encouragement through meeting new friends, and having some great conversations with my family.

Thank you for your continued prayer and encouragement. I really appreciate it right now.

answers.

God has been so awesome in providing for me this last week. When I was so low on cash I thought I wouldn't be able to buy enough gas to drive my grandma to the doctor, God provided. When I was overwhelmed with stress and worry, he lifted it off my shoulders. When I asked for prayer for him to provide a steady friendship, he placed 3 different people in my life this week who have made such an impact on my life. I am so thankful specifically for those friendships! God knew what I needed most, and their love and passion to pursue Christ in their life is so encouraging. They felt as if they were in the same place as me (in regards to friendships and prioritizing aspects in life) and I cant get over the fact that god will always provide for my deepest needs. 'God is my shepherd, I wont be wanting.'

prayer.

Please pray for me for endurance, to push through obstacles that are holding me back.I don't want to return to the same place I was at before. God has been so good to me lately, but I can definitely hear satan calling me back into old ways. Right now it's stronger than ever.

Its kind of discouraging, because I know I was getting on the right track and doing what needed to be done, stepping up in new ways, and taking challenging opportunities; but now I think maybe it's that I've poured so much of myself into other people that I've lost focus on how important it really is to change things in my own life. I love helping people and especially doing the little things that mean something to others, but maybe I just had the wrong mindset. I was probably doing it just to keep myself busy and distract myself so I wouldn't need to confront the issues at hand in my personal life. I guess I'm just asking for prayer for endurance, and focus, so that I might be able to bring things back to God, lay it all at his feet, and get rooted in him, so that someday i can become a "mighty oak, a planting of the Lord, for the display of his spendor" (Isaiah 61:3).

I would also appreciate prayer for God to provide a strong friend. I've had so many friends placed in my heart recently, but either they have no passion to live for Christ, or they are just too busy. I miss having a best friend who was always by my side. It would be such an encouragement during this period.

God knows whats best, and I am in no way trying to complain, because I know my life is so blessed. God's provided for me, and I know he will fulfill my thirst to better know and seek him out in my life. But for the couple people that read this, those are just a few things that I'd really appreciate prayer for. thanks.

let your love be strong

I went to the fair with Max on Wednesday, and I cant believe what a wonderful time we had :) I'm not one to get super excited over the fair, but I was looking forward to spending time with max. We both dont like thrill rides, so we only went on the spinny one (looks like a giant UFO) and waited (unsucessfully) for a grumpy ferris wheel attendee to open up the ride. I always like looking at all the animals, photography, baking, and venders, so we had a great time ;)

This was the first week since Aaron left that the worship band played all together on a Wednesday. Although it was a little unnerving knowing that Aaron wouldn't be there to lead with his solid guitar playing and vocals, Dennis really stepped up and gave his all. I was thinking today that I am so thankful for the talent that God provides. Every member in the band this last week was really using their talents to give glory to God, and thats what its all about in the end. It doesn't matter who we have leading or if we mess up; as long as we're pointing others to God and letting him use us for his purpose. A verse that came to my mind today was 1 Thes. 1:3 "...your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." and Philippians 1:18 "...the important thing is that in every way...Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice" and continuing in verse 20 "I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body.."

I've been thinking a lot lately about how God uses our bodies as his limbs, to reach out to other people. I believe that if I surrender my body, wholly to him, he can and will do great things through me. Even if i don't know exactly what action to take or the words to say, If I give him control, he's gonna take care of it and bless whatever situation I come into contact with. It's so relieving that I don't need to worry about a thing. God will provide. And although it's hard for me personally to turn over every aspect of my life to Christ, I know that he's got it all planned out for me.

some random verses that stood out to me this week:

Colossians 1:29 "to this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me" (so cool that its HIS energy I can rely on, not my own)

Phil. 2:13 "for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose"

Colossians 2:7 "continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness"

Phil 4:19 "and my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus"

Colossians 3:16 "let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God"

Ephesians 3:20 "now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine , according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Jesus Christ throughout all generations, for ever and ever!"

Ephesians 5:19 "...sing and make music from your hearts to the Lord"

girls night goodness

Just got back from a high school girls night, and it was super rad! Lovely dinner complete with chips, salsa, homemade guac, salad, pizza, and brownies. I also was able to say goodbye to Felix, who I will miss terribly :( but thankfully we got to do some pranking together tonight before he left. Meg, Kendalyn, Shannon, Joyce, Felix, and I all TPd Jake's room (with a little help from his parents, neighbors, and little brother). Then we completed our evening by tyedye-ing shirts in the Snyder's front lawn. Lovely lovely time, and I am so thankful to be so blessed with encouraging, fun, and random friends and leaders. Thanks God!

wide awake and smiling

I used to have a blog back in the day, but i forgot my password and never got back into it. So i think i shall ;)

So far, this summer has been rad. Started with Germany:

My mom and i went on a missions trip with Coastline Bible Church to Kandern, Germany to help at the Greater European Mission's headquarters. It was mainly a labor trip, with much time spent digging trenches, mortaring, kauking, tile laying, and construction. I am so glad i had the opportunity to go and help encourage the missionaries at the base, and also to reach out to surrounding neighbors in Kandern.

It was also a huge plus that i brought my Nikon D80, Nikon F100, and fish eye because i got to take some pictures. Bob, the main leader at the base, gave me a Pentax film camera and lenses too!

After Germany, a group of us went up with the youth group to spend the week at Hume Lake.

I hadnt been too excited about the trip, but God definitely worked in me and changed my attitude.

One of the nights, after evening chapel, the speaker said that if anyone wanted to receive prayer or make a decision they should stay behind. The whole time during chapel I remember thinking that I didn't even feel like i should be in the Lord's house because I didn't deserve to and had not been in the right place with God to be in his temple. I found myself watching all of my friends file past me out of the church while i stayed. I had no idea why i was staying, but i couldn't bring myself to leave.

One of the leaders came up to me and we talked for a while, and she began to pray with me. Then my leader came back into the chapel and said she knew that she needed to be there. I just broke down and started crying. I have been struggling with some different issues and have been bitter, hard hearted, and unwilling to change. We talked through everything. I had been trying to handle everything on my own and had shoved aside all of the help she had been graciously giving me. I had stopped talking to God because i felt too corrupt to be involved in a relationship with him. I had treated everyone around me as if they were crap, and my vision of the world, people, and relationships had been distorted by my selfishness and the ways of this world. We prayed and I told God that I wanted to learn to accept his grace, even though I surely don't deserve it.

So now, I'm trying to get better, even if it means that everything will change. I'm having to push myself to follow through and change my distorted vision of myself and others. I'm trying to get into the Word on a daily basis and meditate on it to keep myself in check with what He wants me to be doing. Im also trying to focus on serving and encouraging others. Hopefully my new internship at Coastline will give me many new opportunities to stretch and grow.

I am so thankful for the amazing leaders God has placed in my life. I loveeeee them to death right now. Thank you all for not giving up on me and for being so encouraging and patient with me, even when i was harsh and bitter. Thank you for being here for me to cry on your shoulder. Thank you for changing your schedule around just to spend time with me. Thank you for always pointing me to God. I thank God for you every day.